Silent Pain
by Irvine Leonhart
Summary: That basement, that house, that child. Inside the mind of that young boy, an insight into his horrific life.


Author's note: This story contains self loathing, blood, torture and abuse.  
Kane is sixteen now and every day Paul Bearer seems to be winning.

Cold.  
It never seems to warm up down here, I'm not really a moaner, but it really is like a freezer in this room. Well, it's hardly even a 'room' so to speak. My bedroom, as it were, is the basement; its damp, it's dingy and did I mention its cold? Thought I did. I really just want to stress that point. I don't have painted walls or wallpaper, just grey stone to look at. I've tried to jazz it up a bit, I've drew things on the bricks and after five years down here there's not many left without my creative touch.  
Paul says it's just a squiggly mess. Well it's my scribbles and I'm proud of them. I live like a prisoner might as well draw on the walls like one.  
Because that is my life; a prison…trapped inside this broken body, trapped in this dismal house and trapped under Paul.

How can I say that? He's done so much for me. He's helped me when everyone else has abandoned me. I never wanted to be alone and thanks to Paul, I'm not.  
I've decided to stand on this creaky cabin bed I call my own and see if I can reach the window yet. I want to look out, it's not like I haven't been outside it's just, I'd like to _see_ the outdoors. I used to take fresh air and sunshine for granted; I never ever will again if I can just see it. I guess there is another reason, as I wobble up onto my feet on the unsteady mattress, for me wanted to gaze through that mucky grey window, at about five o'clock in the evening, weekdays, so I can see Paul come home.

My balance is pretty poor and I can feel the rusty old bed springs creak under my feet. I can also hear them and it don't sound good. Quickly I jump to the floor, my head spinning with the heavy landing and I can't steady myself. My body swaying one way, my vision the other, without any dignity I fall on my side, my hand slaps the stone slab and I want to cry out in pain; it's still so sore from the flames. I want to scream, I need to, but Paul says I can't. Anything that hurts me, I cannot show. I must hide any pain. I cannot be weak. No weakness.

I lay there for a while. I'm in agony, I want to move but I'm too tired. I'm _so_ tired.

Paul! Paul! What am I suppose to do now?

I can feel something warm trickling down my face; it's quite soothing against the stony ground so icy against my horrid skin. It's seeping into my eye, the only eye I can see out of and it's stinging. My heads pounding, I have to sit up.  
I fumble around till I manage to heave my body against the wall. A door bangs and my heart jumps, I can hear heavy thumps above me, he's coming!

I roll to my knees and ignore the scrape of scar tissue against the grain but now I'm stuck. Liquid is oozing into my mouth and it tastes like brass; wet metal on my tongue as I try to spit it out before he sees me. I hear the door open and thwack against the wall, I can't see the light from above but I can hear him thudding his way down the stairs one by one and then he stops. He's seen me…

"Kane!"

I tremble slightly at the sound of his booming voice. He's practically running down the stairs now. Before I know it, he's beside me.

"You saying your prayers down there child?"

Good idea. I've never thought of that. But would God listen to a freak like me? You said no one would Paul. If I ever told anyone, no one would believe me.  
He's touching me and I can't help but shiver. I can almost feel his smile without even looking at him.

"Let me see you child"

I don't even like the thought of your eyes on my melted skin, I'm disgusting! I tilt my head further to the floor letting my long hair fall against my face hiding me.

"Kane!" He's shouting, he's mad. I never meant to make you angry Paul. I obey, slowly looking through reddened sight. I can just make out his expression; he screws his nose up and draws in his lips.

I'm so sorry I repulse you!

He lifts some of my hair and I feel it peel off my forehead. "You've not been wearing your special mask have you child?"

No Paul. It's so hard to breath inside that thing. I shake my head and he tuts, then he grabs me hard between his hands and drags me forward harshly. I can feel his hot breath on my skin and when he crushes his forehead to mine, I nearly yelp. I'm surprised to hear a tiny groan escape my lips.

"Are you going to speak Kane? Are you going to tell me this hurts?"

I can feel words grumbling in my throat and it does hurt, he's so right its _torture_.

"You've fell from the bed and you've hit your head, opened healing wounds that would not have burst had you been wearing your mask!"  
I felt the slap so agonizing on the back of my head, and then after I manage a quiet whimper his fingers netted in my hair, I feel those callous fingertips trail to my cheeks, then press against my lips.

"Can you taste your disdain?" His sickly fingers push into my mouth and I almost gag. I can taste that wiry flavor again, mixed with dirt and wax. It must be the embalming fluid, I blink away some of this red water from my eye and look to his free hand, black with filth and death. He slowly drags his fingers from my mouth and I rake my teeth over them earning a groan from Paul. I look to make sure I'm not making a mistake and from what I've learned his eyes closed and mouth open means I'm doing good, so as he removes those nasty fingers from my mouth I lightly suck they ends and he breaths in deeply.

He's slumped beside me now, cradling me like a babe. He's even rocking me; he rests my head to his shoulder and lulls me gently. "Shhhh, child. Everything will be well, all will be well. I will see to it, you don't need anyone but me. No one else would want you child, no one. You're safe here; I'll protect you from the names, and when your strong" He's stroking my hair, he amazes me how he does not care how grotesque I am. "We shall get revenge…he who made you this way, he who killed your soul, killed your parents…you shall destroy him Kane! Rip him limb from limb! Make him rest in peace"

When I find out who it is who did this to me, who murdered my mom and dad! I kill them! I It's their fault. This… is …all …their …FAULT!

"Stand Child" On his command I find the strength to push up and hold my body up on my own two feet. "Look at this blood, pooling around your feet. Your sheets are ruined again"

I look down and see that red water again, it's splattered across the floor and looks as if someone had dragged themselves through it, the bed sheets were dark from where I'd hung my head in shame. I remember this and it frightens me. I know what happens when my burns leak…

My stomach churns as he takes my hand. He walks leisurely, little by little, taking small baby steps as if I find it difficult to walk! I trip over my own feet as the world spins and my sight wavers, I nearly fall but Paul's still holding my hand heaving me up right. I'm bigger than him and how for such a little man he manages to balance me is beyond me. He's guiding me up the stairs, counting for me, one step up, one step up, over and over again.  
What would I do without him? Surely I would have died that day, I would never had survived if he hadn't of been so brave in rescuing me. Now, if he were to leave, I'd fade away into nothingness, I can't even see for myself anymore.

"I wouldn't do this for anyone you know child, just you." I can feel the light warm against my eye lids, shining brightly above me from the bulb as he continues to guide me. "No, no. This-…" He stops and puts my hand on something cold and marble like; the basin. I can hear him rustling around before a gentle hand touches the bottom of my back. Again my stomach flips, "This child is something I would only do for you…your blood does not faze me"  
I can hear running water as the hand on my back begins to move in circles, rubbing along my spine, the running water stops and for a second I think my heart does. My chest hurts, my lungs aren't working Paul! I try to let him know by gasping for breath deeply and he responds by continue the caress on my back. "Oh you shall get you're nebulizer once I've cleaned you up!"

His hand moves it grabs my head, he throws me foreword and I don't have a chance my face is submerged in the basin overflowing with water. I make some sort of noise because now I really can't breathe, every time I try it doesn't seem to work and it's making me sick!

Paul! Paul! Stop it now! I'm clean!

My chest's getting tighter and I keep making strange noises as I try and struggle for breath, struggling to not swallow all this water that's cold inside me. I don't like this! I can't breathe! Stop it! Stop! It's like smoke…it's…I feel my hair being tugged and my head is free! I gasp, desperate for air. It's too quick, so soon and my face meets the water again. He's pushing against me, holding me under and everything feels so restricted…how long can I keep on going…? Maybe this is where mom and dad are?

"…..on…….child……!.....you……talk!" He's saying something, Paul is speaking to me and I can't hear under here. I'm still making a strange noise without realizing I'm doing it, I feel more tired than I ever have before and I feel my legs buckling.  
As I gag one more time it suddenly dawned on me…I'm screaming.

The pressure on my head subsides and everything goes black, I feel my body slip away beneath me, falling backwards but I just want to keep falling! I want to fall and fall until no one will ever find me again! Where I can be alone and rot inside the hollow of a willow tree. A place no one will find me.  
I don't want to be found. I'll be so hard to find, no one will ever find me…no one…I don't want anyone.

I'm laid on my back, desperate for air, I'm panting, gasping, crying for breath and Paul leers over me smiling that crooked smile. I don't want anyone! No one! Not even you Paul! I don't want…I want…

"Ma-r-k"


End file.
